Well, our lives have taken a dramatic turn this past week. I wish so badly that I could say that it is for the better.
When my girls and Dan came to pick me up from work on Wednesday they came with some of the best news yet in regards to Grammy. Maddie couldn't contain her excitement and kept jumping up and down in the air saying, "guess what? Grammy kissed Uncle Brad and Uncle Eric! She's going to be alright. I knew it, Momma!" Uncles Brad and Eric had visited Jefferson hospital on Tuesday, and Grammy was at her best that day. They said she was "talking" (not literally speaking though because since she had the trach in, nothing could be understood) a mile a minute and so aware that they were there. She had even kissed them each on the cheek and waved 'goodbye' on the way out of the hospital room. Dan's dad had given us the news that she would be moved to Bryn Mawr Rehab Hospital on Friday, which would have been 2 days ago. She was on her way up, and we were screaming with joy.
I had spent these past 7 weeks with my usual guarded optimism. I kick myself sometimes at the way I always think pessimistically of every struggle and hardship in life, but that's just the way I am. I try to expect the worst, and hope and pray for the best. Grammy was given a death sentence basically at one point by the doctors at Lancaster General, and yet Thomas Jefferson hospital had literally saved her life with the surgery to coil the troubled aneurysm. I knew at that point that I had to start letting some of my guard down about the whole situation, if for nothing else, for Dan. He deserved to have his wife telling him that it will be alright. His mom WILL get better.
Well, we were awakened to Uncle Kyle at our front door Thursday morning at 7:00am. She had suffered a massive cerebral hemorrhage early that same morning, and her doctor wasn't even sure if she'd make it long enough for all of us to get up to Philly to say goodbye to her.
Thursday morning, March 22nd. There's no forgetting that moment of pure helplessness. That moment of knowing that every fear I had worked so hard to quiet in my mind had just manifested itself.
We rushed to Lancaster with Kyle to get their dad and Uncle Brad, and somehow managed to get to Philly intact. We definitely weren't prepared for the news that the neurosurgeon had for us- nobody survives this large of a bleed in your brain. Her passing is now inevitable. Dan told me they showed him the CT scan that they had done that morning. They showed him the 1st aneurysm from early February, and as large and destructive as that one had been, it was the size of just the top of a pen. He said the hemorrhage from that morning covered the entire left side of her brain. Dan was taken aback at the enormity of it, and the repercussions that he knew went along with it. The damage was irreversible, and they were now faced with decisions that I don't think anybody should ever have to make.
They decided to take her off the ventilator there at Jefferson and bring her back to hospice care in Lancaster so she can be "home" when he time comes. They prepared us for the fact that they didn't even think she would survive the 1 1/2 hour ambulance ride to hospice there in Lancaster. Grammy is such a strong woman, and she made it yesterday. We were there when she arrived in the afternoon.
My mother-in-law is THE sweetest person you will ever meet. I say this emphatically because she literally is the sweetest person you will ever meet. She gets this from her mom, Dan's MaMa. His MaMa has the kindest heart and I've just always loved her. She is 87 years old and Dan's aunt and uncles actually had not told her what had been going on for fear that she would deteriorate health-wise. They finally told her yesterday morning and brought her to the hospice center shortly after her arrival via ambulance. I felt as though I was going to fall when I saw MaMa turning the corner with her walker and walking towards us. I knew that THIS would be one of the hardest moments of my life- to see MaMa have to say goodbye to her beloved daughter, our Grammy.
I have so much respect for these two women that I've been blessed enough to know because of Dan. My mother-in-law is the woman that she is because of the example that Dan's grandmother was to her. It was so hard to see MaMa hold her daughter's hand and look at us and say, "this makes me sad" and just break down.
We decided that we would take the girls today to the hospice center. She really looks so peaceful that we thought it would be OK. I think we made one of our best decisions. Maddie has especially taken this so hard since early February, and it's been even harder for her since they never allowed children in to the neuro unit while Grammy was at the hospital. She was as devastated as I've ever seen her on Thursday when she realized that her Grammy is now on her way to Heaven rather than to the rehab hospital.
Maddie's one thing during this entire 2 months has been that she wants to help. She so desperately wants to do something- anything- to feel as though she is helping in an otherwise helpless situation. So, we talked with all 3 girls yesterday about everything and we spent the entire day with Grammy today. She is unconscious, and will be until the end, but I think it helped my daughters to be there today in a way that I can't explain. We were so proud of them today. They were tremendous granddaughters today, and it brought Dan and I to tears to see all 3 of them standing at Grammy's bedside talking to her. Maddie did not leave her Grammy's side except for in short spurts when we ate lunch there in the kitchen or went outside to pick some flowers. The nurses were unbelievable and gave them a blank pillowcase and fabric markers so that they could make a pillowcase for their Grammy. They worked so hard on this.
The nurses initially told us that her heart was already starting to fail, as her heart rate was getting slower and slower. Now it has gone up since yesterday and one nurse told us that they suspect it's that she is hearing all of our voices and struggling to stay with us for longer. They have told us it won't be any longer than 10 days, and have prepared us for what is to come.
My heart feels so heavy these days. Nothing that I've ever experienced in life has prepared me for this. How do I help my husband- my best friend- deal with the loss of his one good parent? His mom, his family's rock. This woman did everything, was probably stressed beyond anything we can even begin to imagine, and yet still had a smile on her face that just radiated happiness to anyone that met her. She never had a bad thing to say about anybody, and that is something that is hard to find these days. She loved people the way that they should be loved- unconditionally. Lord knows she loved my husband and my daughters.
This is truly going to be a loss that will forever shape our lives. The pain in knowing this outcome is so intense that it's numbing. I just know that I have to find a way to be there for Dan and to help him find his way in the world without her.
