Well, our lives have taken a dramatic turn this past week. I wish so badly that I could say that it is for the better.
When my girls and Dan came to pick me up from work on Wednesday they came with some of the best news yet in regards to Grammy. Maddie couldn't contain her excitement and kept jumping up and down in the air saying, "guess what? Grammy kissed Uncle Brad and Uncle Eric! She's going to be alright. I knew it, Momma!" Uncles Brad and Eric had visited Jefferson hospital on Tuesday, and Grammy was at her best that day. They said she was "talking" (not literally speaking though because since she had the trach in, nothing could be understood) a mile a minute and so aware that they were there. She had even kissed them each on the cheek and waved 'goodbye' on the way out of the hospital room. Dan's dad had given us the news that she would be moved to Bryn Mawr Rehab Hospital on Friday, which would have been 2 days ago. She was on her way up, and we were screaming with joy.
I had spent these past 7 weeks with my usual guarded optimism. I kick myself sometimes at the way I always think pessimistically of every struggle and hardship in life, but that's just the way I am. I try to expect the worst, and hope and pray for the best. Grammy was given a death sentence basically at one point by the doctors at Lancaster General, and yet Thomas Jefferson hospital had literally saved her life with the surgery to coil the troubled aneurysm. I knew at that point that I had to start letting some of my guard down about the whole situation, if for nothing else, for Dan. He deserved to have his wife telling him that it will be alright. His mom WILL get better.
Well, we were awakened to Uncle Kyle at our front door Thursday morning at 7:00am. She had suffered a massive cerebral hemorrhage early that same morning, and her doctor wasn't even sure if she'd make it long enough for all of us to get up to Philly to say goodbye to her.
Thursday morning, March 22nd. There's no forgetting that moment of pure helplessness. That moment of knowing that every fear I had worked so hard to quiet in my mind had just manifested itself.
We rushed to Lancaster with Kyle to get their dad and Uncle Brad, and somehow managed to get to Philly intact. We definitely weren't prepared for the news that the neurosurgeon had for us- nobody survives this large of a bleed in your brain. Her passing is now inevitable. Dan told me they showed him the CT scan that they had done that morning. They showed him the 1st aneurysm from early February, and as large and destructive as that one had been, it was the size of just the top of a pen. He said the hemorrhage from that morning covered the entire left side of her brain. Dan was taken aback at the enormity of it, and the repercussions that he knew went along with it. The damage was irreversible, and they were now faced with decisions that I don't think anybody should ever have to make.
They decided to take her off the ventilator there at Jefferson and bring her back to hospice care in Lancaster so she can be "home" when he time comes. They prepared us for the fact that they didn't even think she would survive the 1 1/2 hour ambulance ride to hospice there in Lancaster. Grammy is such a strong woman, and she made it yesterday. We were there when she arrived in the afternoon.
My mother-in-law is THE sweetest person you will ever meet. I say this emphatically because she literally is the sweetest person you will ever meet. She gets this from her mom, Dan's MaMa. His MaMa has the kindest heart and I've just always loved her. She is 87 years old and Dan's aunt and uncles actually had not told her what had been going on for fear that she would deteriorate health-wise. They finally told her yesterday morning and brought her to the hospice center shortly after her arrival via ambulance. I felt as though I was going to fall when I saw MaMa turning the corner with her walker and walking towards us. I knew that THIS would be one of the hardest moments of my life- to see MaMa have to say goodbye to her beloved daughter, our Grammy.
I have so much respect for these two women that I've been blessed enough to know because of Dan. My mother-in-law is the woman that she is because of the example that Dan's grandmother was to her. It was so hard to see MaMa hold her daughter's hand and look at us and say, "this makes me sad" and just break down.
We decided that we would take the girls today to the hospice center. She really looks so peaceful that we thought it would be OK. I think we made one of our best decisions. Maddie has especially taken this so hard since early February, and it's been even harder for her since they never allowed children in to the neuro unit while Grammy was at the hospital. She was as devastated as I've ever seen her on Thursday when she realized that her Grammy is now on her way to Heaven rather than to the rehab hospital.
Maddie's one thing during this entire 2 months has been that she wants to help. She so desperately wants to do something- anything- to feel as though she is helping in an otherwise helpless situation. So, we talked with all 3 girls yesterday about everything and we spent the entire day with Grammy today. She is unconscious, and will be until the end, but I think it helped my daughters to be there today in a way that I can't explain. We were so proud of them today. They were tremendous granddaughters today, and it brought Dan and I to tears to see all 3 of them standing at Grammy's bedside talking to her. Maddie did not leave her Grammy's side except for in short spurts when we ate lunch there in the kitchen or went outside to pick some flowers. The nurses were unbelievable and gave them a blank pillowcase and fabric markers so that they could make a pillowcase for their Grammy. They worked so hard on this.
The nurses initially told us that her heart was already starting to fail, as her heart rate was getting slower and slower. Now it has gone up since yesterday and one nurse told us that they suspect it's that she is hearing all of our voices and struggling to stay with us for longer. They have told us it won't be any longer than 10 days, and have prepared us for what is to come.
My heart feels so heavy these days. Nothing that I've ever experienced in life has prepared me for this. How do I help my husband- my best friend- deal with the loss of his one good parent? His mom, his family's rock. This woman did everything, was probably stressed beyond anything we can even begin to imagine, and yet still had a smile on her face that just radiated happiness to anyone that met her. She never had a bad thing to say about anybody, and that is something that is hard to find these days. She loved people the way that they should be loved- unconditionally. Lord knows she loved my husband and my daughters.
This is truly going to be a loss that will forever shape our lives. The pain in knowing this outcome is so intense that it's numbing. I just know that I have to find a way to be there for Dan and to help him find his way in the world without her.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Leap Day
Grammy was unexpectedly flown to Jefferson hospital on Monday night while Dan visited with her in the Lancaster hospital. The doctors at Jefferson did their own CT scan that night, and did the coil surgery yesterday morning. Clearly, this is the place where she should be with the best doctors and medical personnel. Uncle Nate has a friend that works there that is as nice as they come, and has offered to keep Dan posted with information on his mom for him. So far, the coil surgery went as well as could be expected and now they will wait to do the permanent brain tube at some point this week.
We are hoping and praying for the best. Girlies have been diligently praying to God every night, and they have really broken my heart with the sweet things that they say. They are good girls. I really hope for them that their Grammy somehow comes out of this all as the person they remember her to be.
We went to Lancaster this past weekend to walk Chloe. Maddie and Faith feel helpful when they can take Chloe out for a long walk around the lake. Chloe is Grammy's beloved dog, and the lake is Grammy's haven. It feels nice to walk that same path. And, Dan stays with Abrie to help with laundry and dishes with his dad. Their local restaurant had a benefit for them that day as well, and they raised over $7,000. I was blown away with the prizes that people that knew Dan's mom had pitched in for the raffle. It was very overwhelming to see how many people clearly love her and wish her well.
*******
We set out today for our trip to Disney. Girlfriends know there is a surprise for Leap Day, but they think we are going to Baltimore (Abrie thinks we are going to "Chocoley World!"). It's crazy how we haven't really thought about our trip at all in the past 2 weeks with everything that's been going on, even though this is what we'd been looking forward to for the past several months. There's excitement that's slowly finding its way back into both Dan and myself, and we really are most excited to see their faces again.
Just a few more hours until we're off to our happiest place in the world..
We are hoping and praying for the best. Girlies have been diligently praying to God every night, and they have really broken my heart with the sweet things that they say. They are good girls. I really hope for them that their Grammy somehow comes out of this all as the person they remember her to be.
We went to Lancaster this past weekend to walk Chloe. Maddie and Faith feel helpful when they can take Chloe out for a long walk around the lake. Chloe is Grammy's beloved dog, and the lake is Grammy's haven. It feels nice to walk that same path. And, Dan stays with Abrie to help with laundry and dishes with his dad. Their local restaurant had a benefit for them that day as well, and they raised over $7,000. I was blown away with the prizes that people that knew Dan's mom had pitched in for the raffle. It was very overwhelming to see how many people clearly love her and wish her well.
*******
We set out today for our trip to Disney. Girlfriends know there is a surprise for Leap Day, but they think we are going to Baltimore (Abrie thinks we are going to "Chocoley World!"). It's crazy how we haven't really thought about our trip at all in the past 2 weeks with everything that's been going on, even though this is what we'd been looking forward to for the past several months. There's excitement that's slowly finding its way back into both Dan and myself, and we really are most excited to see their faces again.
Just a few more hours until we're off to our happiest place in the world..
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Grammy, and Leap Day plans
Grammy is still in the hospital, and we're just trying to get by day-to-day. This has been hell for Dan, and I really feel for him. If it isn't enough to have his mom in the hospital in critical condition, he also has now been thrust into a role of caring for his dad (extremely diabetic- who never took care of his diabetes, and has now paid the price in recent years with 2 legs amputated, kidney transplant- and, on top of all of that, is now recovering from throat cancer).
The doctors at Lancaster General are trying to keep her stable enough to get her down to Thomas Jefferson hospital in Philly for a state-of-the-art brain aneurysm treatment called the coil procedure. It's just a matter of getting her down there safely. She's already had a stroke and a re-bleed since being hospitalized with the initial aneurysm. Tracheotomy was yesterday, and she was given a feeding tube today through her stomach.
Dan's been back and forth to Lancaster almost daily. Maddie specifically asked to go on Sunday so that she could feel like she was "helping" by at least taking Grammy's beloved dog, Chloe, for a walk on their back trail. I think she felt a lot better knowing that she had helped. We'll probably continue to do that on Sundays until (hopefully) Grammy can come home.
I am hoping and praying she gets out of this nightmare as the Grammy we know and love.
*****
Leap Day plans have been in place since early October, and we're holding our breath to see what happens before setting out next week. I'm so thankful that we still haven't told our girlfriends about Disney, just in case it doesn't work.
The doctors at Lancaster General are trying to keep her stable enough to get her down to Thomas Jefferson hospital in Philly for a state-of-the-art brain aneurysm treatment called the coil procedure. It's just a matter of getting her down there safely. She's already had a stroke and a re-bleed since being hospitalized with the initial aneurysm. Tracheotomy was yesterday, and she was given a feeding tube today through her stomach.
Dan's been back and forth to Lancaster almost daily. Maddie specifically asked to go on Sunday so that she could feel like she was "helping" by at least taking Grammy's beloved dog, Chloe, for a walk on their back trail. I think she felt a lot better knowing that she had helped. We'll probably continue to do that on Sundays until (hopefully) Grammy can come home.
I am hoping and praying she gets out of this nightmare as the Grammy we know and love.
*****
Leap Day plans have been in place since early October, and we're holding our breath to see what happens before setting out next week. I'm so thankful that we still haven't told our girlfriends about Disney, just in case it doesn't work.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
February thus far
Grammy (Dan's mom) suffered a brain aneurysm last Wednesday night. It's been a hard week.
Dan and I went together today to visit in the hospital, and we arrived at the height of her worst day there yet. Needless to say, we were very taken aback and upset. I forced myself to keep it together, but had to leave the room for a little bit. Maddie had entrusted me with taking a small jewelry box with "happy charms" (some beads that she put in there so that Grammy would feel loved) to her Grammy, and I made sure that I delivered on that promise.
It's been very hard on Dan. He's kicking himself and blaming himself for not calling enough, and not helping with his dad as much. None of it is Dan's fault, and I tell him that; but, of course he's feeling the guilt and helplessness that is this situation. Dan's not sleeping, and neither am I. I couldn't believe that last night I even forgot (completely forgot!) to draw the picture that the tooth fairy always leaves for her, along with the dollar bill tucked inside. We're struggling to keep things going here and trying to manage the visits that are needed in Lancaster. 45 minutes to Lancaster, and 45 minutes to Dan's work.
Maddie has been especially worried and sad about it all. She asks every single day when she can go see Grammy, and works every day on making new pictures to send to her. I'm praying that her Grammy makes it out of this, and as the person that we remember.
Dan and I went together today to visit in the hospital, and we arrived at the height of her worst day there yet. Needless to say, we were very taken aback and upset. I forced myself to keep it together, but had to leave the room for a little bit. Maddie had entrusted me with taking a small jewelry box with "happy charms" (some beads that she put in there so that Grammy would feel loved) to her Grammy, and I made sure that I delivered on that promise.
It's been very hard on Dan. He's kicking himself and blaming himself for not calling enough, and not helping with his dad as much. None of it is Dan's fault, and I tell him that; but, of course he's feeling the guilt and helplessness that is this situation. Dan's not sleeping, and neither am I. I couldn't believe that last night I even forgot (completely forgot!) to draw the picture that the tooth fairy always leaves for her, along with the dollar bill tucked inside. We're struggling to keep things going here and trying to manage the visits that are needed in Lancaster. 45 minutes to Lancaster, and 45 minutes to Dan's work.
Maddie has been especially worried and sad about it all. She asks every single day when she can go see Grammy, and works every day on making new pictures to send to her. I'm praying that her Grammy makes it out of this, and as the person that we remember.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
January in its succinct version
January has come and gone, and I can't get over how quickly it passed.
January will always be to me the month of my big girl's birthday. My Crannie is now a 7-year-old. A SEVEN year old. 7 sounds crazy to me. Of course, I do realize that I say this about every age.
Maddie had been wanting a "mustang" birthday party, as she just loves horses. She decided at the end of December that she wanted a Jessie the cowgirl birthday party (much to a certain sister's delight and envy... Faith now wants a Jessie party next year!), and so she had herself a Jessie party. On her actual birthday her sole request was "brownies, and that we are all together." My sweet girl.
January also kept us busy with our daily routine:
Dan and I had been wanting to get the girlies to the zoo for awhile now. We used to take Maddie and Faith to the Philly zoo in the winters when they offered the "pay the weather" admission, but they don't seem to offer that anymore. We were excited though when we saw that Zoo America was having free admission on a weekend that we had promised the girlies a trip to Chocolate World in Hershey anyway. So, we made a day of it and visited the zoo before heading over to Chocolate World. It had snowed the day before, and so the animals were just loving the weather and were much more active than usual. I loved that part. And, our girlfriends loved seeing the animals fooling around too;) We also got to see a barn owl up close and personal when a zoo official brought him over to us. That was pretty cool.
And, of course we just love Chocolate World. We rode the ride 3 times, and Abrie, Faith, and I rode it a 4th time while Dan and Maddie went to get a slushie. Abrie and Faith probably would have gotten back on another 10 more times. They call it the "Its a Small World ride of Pennsylvania!" Girlies did the free Factory experience too, and loved it.
We've been using our library pass for the historical society a lot this month too. We went together one day last week, and then Dan took them on a Saturday that I had to work. They just love the children's area at the historical society:
This past weekend we visited with beloved cousins to celebrate Uncle Nate's 32nd birthday. We had a blast! Girlies thought it was the coolest thing to see Uncle Nate having a birthday party because they always ask why we don't have birthday parties. Faith is always talking about how she wants to throw us parties;) We went for a hike at the bird sanctuary, which is a favorite place of ours to go, and Aunt Lisi and Uncle Nate organized a fun scavenger hunt for clues to get to the pirate pinata.
We've had some wonderful weather this week too, and it was a perfect way to close out January.
January will always be to me the month of my big girl's birthday. My Crannie is now a 7-year-old. A SEVEN year old. 7 sounds crazy to me. Of course, I do realize that I say this about every age.
Maddie had been wanting a "mustang" birthday party, as she just loves horses. She decided at the end of December that she wanted a Jessie the cowgirl birthday party (much to a certain sister's delight and envy... Faith now wants a Jessie party next year!), and so she had herself a Jessie party. On her actual birthday her sole request was "brownies, and that we are all together." My sweet girl.
January also kept us busy with our daily routine:
Dan and I had been wanting to get the girlies to the zoo for awhile now. We used to take Maddie and Faith to the Philly zoo in the winters when they offered the "pay the weather" admission, but they don't seem to offer that anymore. We were excited though when we saw that Zoo America was having free admission on a weekend that we had promised the girlies a trip to Chocolate World in Hershey anyway. So, we made a day of it and visited the zoo before heading over to Chocolate World. It had snowed the day before, and so the animals were just loving the weather and were much more active than usual. I loved that part. And, our girlfriends loved seeing the animals fooling around too;) We also got to see a barn owl up close and personal when a zoo official brought him over to us. That was pretty cool.
And, of course we just love Chocolate World. We rode the ride 3 times, and Abrie, Faith, and I rode it a 4th time while Dan and Maddie went to get a slushie. Abrie and Faith probably would have gotten back on another 10 more times. They call it the "Its a Small World ride of Pennsylvania!" Girlies did the free Factory experience too, and loved it.
We've been using our library pass for the historical society a lot this month too. We went together one day last week, and then Dan took them on a Saturday that I had to work. They just love the children's area at the historical society:
This past weekend we visited with beloved cousins to celebrate Uncle Nate's 32nd birthday. We had a blast! Girlies thought it was the coolest thing to see Uncle Nate having a birthday party because they always ask why we don't have birthday parties. Faith is always talking about how she wants to throw us parties;) We went for a hike at the bird sanctuary, which is a favorite place of ours to go, and Aunt Lisi and Uncle Nate organized a fun scavenger hunt for clues to get to the pirate pinata.
We've had some wonderful weather this week too, and it was a perfect way to close out January.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Just the little things
The little things are what light up my life:
Abrielle--
This girl is the funniest thing in the world, and it's quite clear where she gets it from... her "Dotch" (aka Faith). There's so many things that she does that she even tells us "I do it from Dotch," and she exaggerates them by about 10x. The faces. The funny noises. She is a riot!
Her voice is just adorable. I am in love with it. These are the 'Abrie-isms' of recent months:
She uses 'y' instead of 'l' ... 'yights' for lights, 'Bug's Yife' for 'Bug's Life,' 'yeggies' for leggies, etc.
She adds a 'd' after an 'n' if it's in the middle of the word... 'Minndie' for Minnie, 'Undo Moo' for Uno Moo (a game that she absolutely LOVES!), 'dinder time' for dinner time, 'I'm runnding' for I'm running, etc.
Some of her famous Abrie phrases that she says a lot to make us laugh are "ding dong, you're wrong" or "oh, hunkey dorey!" She also thinks she's funny and pretends not to hear us, and then she'll look at us and say "what?? what you said?"
Faith--
Oh my Faith-y and her beloved cowgirl Jessie. She is just too much with her Jessie doll. Nene got her a Hawaiian Jessie for Christmas, and she just adores her. She pulled the string so often that now it doesn't work, but she says "it's to prove that she's magic and that really does come to life." Faith doesn't go anywhere without her Jessie. Jessie sits at our table for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Faith takes a bite of something, and then Jessie gets force fed a bite of whatever it is that Faith just ate. Faith takes a sip from her cup, and then Jessie gets a straw in her mouth. Jessie gets pajamas at night, and gets tucked into the crib in their cottage. This is a step up from what Faith was doing as Jessie's bedtime ritual: she insisted that Jessie liked to sleep "cozy" and would wrap her up in an Air Force flag and then put her in a backpack that she would then place next to her pillow.
My Faith-y.
Maddie--
Maddie has her 1st ever "big" project for school.. a diorama. She chose to do her diorama about Siamese cats (the girl so desperately wants a cat!) and we worked on it quite a bit tonight.
Whereas Faith is the big spender in our family, Maddie is the saver. These girls have quite a bit saved up in their Disney envelope, and now Maddie made them a new one called "Calico Critters fund." She makes lists all the time of things that she wants to save her money for, and she hates to spend even $1. She even came up with her plan of starting a pet care business, and made some signs with their information. It was quite cute. She asked me to make 30 copies at work, and so far I think they've only put about 8 in local mailboxes.
Abrielle--
This girl is the funniest thing in the world, and it's quite clear where she gets it from... her "Dotch" (aka Faith). There's so many things that she does that she even tells us "I do it from Dotch," and she exaggerates them by about 10x. The faces. The funny noises. She is a riot!
Her voice is just adorable. I am in love with it. These are the 'Abrie-isms' of recent months:
She uses 'y' instead of 'l' ... 'yights' for lights, 'Bug's Yife' for 'Bug's Life,' 'yeggies' for leggies, etc.
She adds a 'd' after an 'n' if it's in the middle of the word... 'Minndie' for Minnie, 'Undo Moo' for Uno Moo (a game that she absolutely LOVES!), 'dinder time' for dinner time, 'I'm runnding' for I'm running, etc.
Some of her famous Abrie phrases that she says a lot to make us laugh are "ding dong, you're wrong" or "oh, hunkey dorey!" She also thinks she's funny and pretends not to hear us, and then she'll look at us and say "what?? what you said?"
Faith--
Oh my Faith-y and her beloved cowgirl Jessie. She is just too much with her Jessie doll. Nene got her a Hawaiian Jessie for Christmas, and she just adores her. She pulled the string so often that now it doesn't work, but she says "it's to prove that she's magic and that really does come to life." Faith doesn't go anywhere without her Jessie. Jessie sits at our table for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Faith takes a bite of something, and then Jessie gets force fed a bite of whatever it is that Faith just ate. Faith takes a sip from her cup, and then Jessie gets a straw in her mouth. Jessie gets pajamas at night, and gets tucked into the crib in their cottage. This is a step up from what Faith was doing as Jessie's bedtime ritual: she insisted that Jessie liked to sleep "cozy" and would wrap her up in an Air Force flag and then put her in a backpack that she would then place next to her pillow.
My Faith-y.
Maddie--
Maddie has her 1st ever "big" project for school.. a diorama. She chose to do her diorama about Siamese cats (the girl so desperately wants a cat!) and we worked on it quite a bit tonight.
Whereas Faith is the big spender in our family, Maddie is the saver. These girls have quite a bit saved up in their Disney envelope, and now Maddie made them a new one called "Calico Critters fund." She makes lists all the time of things that she wants to save her money for, and she hates to spend even $1. She even came up with her plan of starting a pet care business, and made some signs with their information. It was quite cute. She asked me to make 30 copies at work, and so far I think they've only put about 8 in local mailboxes.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Magic of Christmas
Had such a wonderful Christmas/ New Year's break. It literally broke my heart that it had to end. There's nothing better in the world than having my family all together, the way it should be.
Girlies were so excited for Christmas, and spent a wonderful Christmas Eve with everyone in Lancaster. They had a ball! Their excitement to give OUT their presents to everyone this year was what I thought was the coolest thing.
Santa's big gift this year was a dollhouse for all 3 to share. This is going to be something that will last them years and years; I can see it already. They haven't stopped playing with it. They bring everyone to visit the dollhouse-- Calico Critters, princess dolls, little figures, etc etc. And, they use their little houses as hotels! They come up with the coolest things.
We visited Kitchen Kettle Village on New Year's Eve, and had so much fun. All 3 were so ready to "stay up to see the bomb drop" (as Faith puts it!), and didn't make it past 9:30-- which I still thought was a respectable hour considering they were all quite sick by that day. Maddie developed pneumonia and croup for Abrielle, but I've never seen them complain less about being sick. They amaze me.
There's a lot more to write, but I am happy in knowing that I have all the little details of this Christmas 2011 in my memory forever.
Girlies were so excited for Christmas, and spent a wonderful Christmas Eve with everyone in Lancaster. They had a ball! Their excitement to give OUT their presents to everyone this year was what I thought was the coolest thing.
Santa's big gift this year was a dollhouse for all 3 to share. This is going to be something that will last them years and years; I can see it already. They haven't stopped playing with it. They bring everyone to visit the dollhouse-- Calico Critters, princess dolls, little figures, etc etc. And, they use their little houses as hotels! They come up with the coolest things.
We visited Kitchen Kettle Village on New Year's Eve, and had so much fun. All 3 were so ready to "stay up to see the bomb drop" (as Faith puts it!), and didn't make it past 9:30-- which I still thought was a respectable hour considering they were all quite sick by that day. Maddie developed pneumonia and croup for Abrielle, but I've never seen them complain less about being sick. They amaze me.
There's a lot more to write, but I am happy in knowing that I have all the little details of this Christmas 2011 in my memory forever.
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