May these memories break our fall

Been gone for awhile on this little online diary of mine. Hiatus was much needed, even though I have missed jotting down all the little things in life. I guess it's just that it didn't seem as important to me anymore to jot every little thing down, but more to just enjoy these little things that are the big things in life. I've watched my best friend lose his mom, our Grammy, and I've watched him deal with it with such stoicism and grace that I could have never mustered in the face of all of this. I know I haven't dealt with it very well, and yet Dan goes forth with one foot in front. He tells me all the time he tries not to ask why because that question will be the end of him. March 23rd would have been the day that she would have started rehab. We had planned on going to visit, and Dan had so many things that he was waiting to tell her; he was going to get that chance that most people don't get, the chance to tell her everything he had wanted to tell her since February. But, we didn't get a March 23rd and he never did get to say those things. Instead, he held her hand and told his mom that he was there with her in her final days with us. That was the chance he was given in the end. He was there for her, as were my girls and myself. I know that he took that as his job at the end-- to make sure that she left knowing how loved she was, knowing that she wasn't alone. ****** He got the chance to do something else for her last week. We all did. Dan had found a link in April on Grammy's Facebook page about the house that she had always wanted us to visit together in Maine. He e-mailed the link to see if this house would possibly be available for the summer, and unbeknownst to him the owner of this house in Brunswick, ME (southern Maine) was also the owner of a house in Hancock, ME where she had stayed 3 years ago. Once I saw pictures of the house I remembered that this was the house that she had wanted us to visit, but Abrielle was a newborn at the time so it just hadn't been possible. This was the house though that had left such a lasting impression on my mother-in-law, that she was always talking about it to us. Dan didn't realize that the owner of this house (a sweet lady named Staci) and Grammy had become very close, and text messaged all the time and kept in touch through Facebook. And, apparently when Dan had sent the e-mail, Staci was overcome with shock that this had happened. What turned out as an innocent inquiry e-mail for a trip to Maine to honor his mom turned into a generous offer that seems unheard of these days: Staci offered us her house in Hancock, ME- the very house that Grammy was always nostalgic about- at no cost. Yes, the house would be almost bare because they were making it ready for full-time renters come July, but we couldn't have cared less. I was floored with this woman's generosity. Maine was always Grammy's refuge. She grew up going there and loving the beautiful simplicity of it there, and it definitely passed on to Dan. He grew up going there every summer with his brothers, and out of the 5 of them, he definitely seems to have that same admiration for all things Maine that she must have instilled in him. This was where he wanted to go to honor her, to feel her with him, and to make her smile. ***** We had such a wonderful time. Maddie and Faith remember their visit there 2 years ago with Grammy very fondly. Abrielle was only 1-year-old last time, and it was so neat to see her enjoy it so much this time. I know for sure that she won't soon forget these memories. We stayed in Ogunquit (southern Maine) for one night. Granted our 1st day there was non-stop rain, but the rain did stop for a brief time in the evening. We took advantage and got the girls down to the ocean. There's just something about seeing the ocean.. not only for me, but to see the look in my girls' faces when they see it themselves and feel the waves on their feet. We spent the next morning there too before heading up to the house which was almost 4 hours north. It was such an overwhelming feeling to see this house standing there when we turned into the gravel driveway. It was a beautiful house sitting on 25 acres of land. The girls ran from room to room exploring and shouting with excitement, while Dan and I read the note that Staci had left for us on her daughter's drawing pad. That drawing pad was well used those next couple of days. The next couple of days were a whirlwind of fun and visiting Grammy's favorite spots in Acadia National Park and Bar Harbor. Cadillac Mountain.. one of our favorite spots and where we were married almost 11 years ago. Her one favorite spot in the entire world is also ours, and has always been our girls' as well... Sand Beach in Acadia. The turquoise water set next to the craggy rocks is just something else. And, the sand is something completely different too-- it is technically not sand, but shells and marine animals that have been crushed from the waves. The water there has always been a chilly 50 degrees too, but it's never stopped us and definitely doesn't stop my ocean girl named Faith! Maddie and Abrie are content to sit and play in the sand for hours, while Faith "races" the waves up and down the shore. Dan was insistent on bringing back some sand from Sand Beach to put at her gravesite, along with some shells. So, we gathered up a bucket of sand before we left. We tried a couple of things that were new even to Dan this time. Faith desperately wanted to do a whale watch cruise for humpbacks, minkes, and finback whales, but Maddie was equally as desperate NOT to do it. She was scared to get on a boat for 3 1/2 hours! So, we decided to take them to the Bar Harbor Oceanarium which Dan had never visited in all of his trips up to Maine. The Oceanarium was a rinky dink little place, and yet Dan and I both said that we learned more from here than from any of our previous trips to other aquariums. They specialize in Maine's aquatic life, so I guess that helped since we really didn't know much about these animals. Faith, Abrie, and Maddie got to visit the touch tank there where they got to touch a sea cucumber, a horseshoe crab, starfish, sea urchins, giant snails, and some other things that I honestly don't even remember their names. The touch tank was our 1st "station," and our 2nd "station" was to meet with a lobster fisherman where we learned all about fishing for lobsters. The lady fisherman was very nice and Maddie and Faith volunteered to go up to put the rubber bands on the lobsters which was really cool. Our 3rd "station" was a lobster hatchery where we got to see all the baby lobsters. We spent our evenings at the house just enjoying the peace and quiet there. One of Dan's family's traditions in Maine has always been to play whiffleball every night. We forgot our whiffleball bat here at home, but I made up a game out of the whiffleballs and frisbees that became quite the hit while we were there. I called it: "Meatballs." Ha! We went down to the water too looking for mussels which is another of Dan's favorite pastimes that he is quickly instilling in his little girlfriends. Abrie became a pro at looking under the seaweed for baby crabs, which Maddie did catch one! And, Faith found a caterpillar which she named "Fuzzy" and took home only to find the next day that it had formed a chrysalis.. it was quite cool to see a science project evolve right in front of our eyes! Dan and I were up every morning before 5am, which we loved. The sun was already rising there by 4:30am but it allowed us the peace of the morning to sit out on the deck and watch the deer that would come to the backyard. Father's Day was extra special this year too since it was spent in one of Dan's favorite places. We spent the morning at Sand Beach, then went mini-golfing at a place in Bar Harbor we hadn't been to since the year we got engaged in Maine. And, we took him to a great waterfront restaurant that night in Bar Harbor for a lobster dinner. Our little whirlwind vacation was a vacation that we will always remember. I'm not sure how we'll ever be able to thank Staci properly for the opportunity to do this for Grammy, but hopefully one day we can meet her in person to tell her what it truly meant to us. When we packed up the car Monday morning to come back home it felt like we were closing the door to some of the hurt, and though it will never, ever go away, it felt like we were able to heal somewhat. I know I saw it in Dan's eyes the whole time we were there.. I know he felt as though he was with his mom. We brought this back to Grammy, and we brought back memories to make our hearts happy: The sign into and out of Maine says it all: "Worth a trip. Worth a lifetime."

This is one of the many notes that I've found recently on the girls' bedroom floor. Maddie writes notes and puts them on her floor and says "Grammy will be able to read them."

Both she and Faith have been writing things down in their own journals. I am surprised with the things that even Faith writes on her own about missing Grammy. Abrielle blew us away the day of the funeral when we heard her downstairs start crying. I thought she was just frustrated that she couldn't carry her bin of Minnies upstairs, but I found her standing there sobbing. I asked her what was wrong when I hugged her, and she answered "I don't want to die." She doesn't understand the enormity of everything that's been going on, but she definitely understands something. Poor baby.

This is Abrielle on our last day there visiting with Grammy. It was Tuesday, April 3rd and for some reason I had felt compelled to take my camera to take pictures of the pictures the girls had put up in her room.

What I would give to go back in time to before February. Or, even to hospice days. Just to be able to know that she's still here with us and not gone.

April 5th

Dan's mom and my girls' beloved Grammy has gone to be with her dad and baby Mattie May in Heaven. She passed away peacefully this morning, and we are hoping PaPa was there waiting to welcome her.

March 22

Well, our lives have taken a dramatic turn this past week. I wish so badly that I could say that it is for the better.

When my girls and Dan came to pick me up from work on Wednesday they came with some of the best news yet in regards to Grammy. Maddie couldn't contain her excitement and kept jumping up and down in the air saying, "guess what? Grammy kissed Uncle Brad and Uncle Eric! She's going to be alright. I knew it, Momma!" Uncles Brad and Eric had visited Jefferson hospital on Tuesday, and Grammy was at her best that day. They said she was "talking" (not literally speaking though because since she had the trach in, nothing could be understood) a mile a minute and so aware that they were there. She had even kissed them each on the cheek and waved 'goodbye' on the way out of the hospital room. Dan's dad had given us the news that she would be moved to Bryn Mawr Rehab Hospital on Friday, which would have been 2 days ago. She was on her way up, and we were screaming with joy.

I had spent these past 7 weeks with my usual guarded optimism. I kick myself sometimes at the way I always think pessimistically of every struggle and hardship in life, but that's just the way I am. I try to expect the worst, and hope and pray for the best. Grammy was given a death sentence basically at one point by the doctors at Lancaster General, and yet Thomas Jefferson hospital had literally saved her life with the surgery to coil the troubled aneurysm. I knew at that point that I had to start letting some of my guard down about the whole situation, if for nothing else, for Dan. He deserved to have his wife telling him that it will be alright. His mom WILL get better.

Well, we were awakened to Uncle Kyle at our front door Thursday morning at 7:00am. She had suffered a massive cerebral hemorrhage early that same morning, and her doctor wasn't even sure if she'd make it long enough for all of us to get up to Philly to say goodbye to her.

Thursday morning, March 22nd. There's no forgetting that moment of pure helplessness. That moment of knowing that every fear I had worked so hard to quiet in my mind had just manifested itself.

We rushed to Lancaster with Kyle to get their dad and Uncle Brad, and somehow managed to get to Philly intact. We definitely weren't prepared for the news that the neurosurgeon had for us- nobody survives this large of a bleed in your brain. Her passing is now inevitable. Dan told me they showed him the CT scan that they had done that morning. They showed him the 1st aneurysm from early February, and as large and destructive as that one had been, it was the size of just the top of a pen. He said the hemorrhage from that morning covered the entire left side of her brain. Dan was taken aback at the enormity of it, and the repercussions that he knew went along with it. The damage was irreversible, and they were now faced with decisions that I don't think anybody should ever have to make.

They decided to take her off the ventilator there at Jefferson and bring her back to hospice care in Lancaster so she can be "home" when he time comes. They prepared us for the fact that they didn't even think she would survive the 1 1/2 hour ambulance ride to hospice there in Lancaster. Grammy is such a strong woman, and she made it yesterday. We were there when she arrived in the afternoon.

My mother-in-law is THE sweetest person you will ever meet. I say this emphatically because she literally is the sweetest person you will ever meet. She gets this from her mom, Dan's MaMa. His MaMa has the kindest heart and I've just always loved her. She is 87 years old and Dan's aunt and uncles actually had not told her what had been going on for fear that she would deteriorate health-wise. They finally told her yesterday morning and brought her to the hospice center shortly after her arrival via ambulance. I felt as though I was going to fall when I saw MaMa turning the corner with her walker and walking towards us. I knew that THIS would be one of the hardest moments of my life- to see MaMa have to say goodbye to her beloved daughter, our Grammy.

I have so much respect for these two women that I've been blessed enough to know because of Dan. My mother-in-law is the woman that she is because of the example that Dan's grandmother was to her. It was so hard to see MaMa hold her daughter's hand and look at us and say, "this makes me sad" and just break down.

We decided that we would take the girls today to the hospice center. She really looks so peaceful that we thought it would be OK. I think we made one of our best decisions. Maddie has especially taken this so hard since early February, and it's been even harder for her since they never allowed children in to the neuro unit while Grammy was at the hospital. She was as devastated as I've ever seen her on Thursday when she realized that her Grammy is now on her way to Heaven rather than to the rehab hospital.

Maddie's one thing during this entire 2 months has been that she wants to help. She so desperately wants to do something- anything- to feel as though she is helping in an otherwise helpless situation. So, we talked with all 3 girls yesterday about everything and we spent the entire day with Grammy today. She is unconscious, and will be until the end, but I think it helped my daughters to be there today in a way that I can't explain. We were so proud of them today. They were tremendous granddaughters today, and it brought Dan and I to tears to see all 3 of them standing at Grammy's bedside talking to her. Maddie did not leave her Grammy's side except for in short spurts when we ate lunch there in the kitchen or went outside to pick some flowers. The nurses were unbelievable and gave them a blank pillowcase and fabric markers so that they could make a pillowcase for their Grammy. They worked so hard on this.

The nurses initially told us that her heart was already starting to fail, as her heart rate was getting slower and slower. Now it has gone up since yesterday and one nurse told us that they suspect it's that she is hearing all of our voices and struggling to stay with us for longer. They have told us it won't be any longer than 10 days, and have prepared us for what is to come.

My heart feels so heavy these days. Nothing that I've ever experienced in life has prepared me for this. How do I help my husband- my best friend- deal with the loss of his one good parent? His mom, his family's rock. This woman did everything, was probably stressed beyond anything we can even begin to imagine, and yet still had a smile on her face that just radiated happiness to anyone that met her. She never had a bad thing to say about anybody, and that is something that is hard to find these days. She loved people the way that they should be loved- unconditionally. Lord knows she loved my husband and my daughters.

This is truly going to be a loss that will forever shape our lives. The pain in knowing this outcome is so intense that it's numbing. I just know that I have to find a way to be there for Dan and to help him find his way in the world without her.

Leap Day

Grammy was unexpectedly flown to Jefferson hospital on Monday night while Dan visited with her in the Lancaster hospital. The doctors at Jefferson did their own CT scan that night, and did the coil surgery yesterday morning. Clearly, this is the place where she should be with the best doctors and medical personnel. Uncle Nate has a friend that works there that is as nice as they come, and has offered to keep Dan posted with information on his mom for him. So far, the coil surgery went as well as could be expected and now they will wait to do the permanent brain tube at some point this week.

We are hoping and praying for the best. Girlies have been diligently praying to God every night, and they have really broken my heart with the sweet things that they say. They are good girls. I really hope for them that their Grammy somehow comes out of this all as the person they remember her to be.

We went to Lancaster this past weekend to walk Chloe. Maddie and Faith feel helpful when they can take Chloe out for a long walk around the lake. Chloe is Grammy's beloved dog, and the lake is Grammy's haven. It feels nice to walk that same path. And, Dan stays with Abrie to help with laundry and dishes with his dad. Their local restaurant had a benefit for them that day as well, and they raised over $7,000. I was blown away with the prizes that people that knew Dan's mom had pitched in for the raffle. It was very overwhelming to see how many people clearly love her and wish her well.

*******

We set out today for our trip to Disney. Girlfriends know there is a surprise for Leap Day, but they think we are going to Baltimore (Abrie thinks we are going to "Chocoley World!"). It's crazy how we haven't really thought about our trip at all in the past 2 weeks with everything that's been going on, even though this is what we'd been looking forward to for the past several months. There's excitement that's slowly finding its way back into both Dan and myself, and we really are most excited to see their faces again.

Just a few more hours until we're off to our happiest place in the world..

Grammy, and Leap Day plans

Grammy is still in the hospital, and we're just trying to get by day-to-day. This has been hell for Dan, and I really feel for him. If it isn't enough to have his mom in the hospital in critical condition, he also has now been thrust into a role of caring for his dad (extremely diabetic- who never took care of his diabetes, and has now paid the price in recent years with 2 legs amputated, kidney transplant- and, on top of all of that, is now recovering from throat cancer).

The doctors at Lancaster General are trying to keep her stable enough to get her down to Thomas Jefferson hospital in Philly for a state-of-the-art brain aneurysm treatment called the coil procedure. It's just a matter of getting her down there safely. She's already had a stroke and a re-bleed since being hospitalized with the initial aneurysm. Tracheotomy was yesterday, and she was given a feeding tube today through her stomach.

Dan's been back and forth to Lancaster almost daily. Maddie specifically asked to go on Sunday so that she could feel like she was "helping" by at least taking Grammy's beloved dog, Chloe, for a walk on their back trail. I think she felt a lot better knowing that she had helped. We'll probably continue to do that on Sundays until (hopefully) Grammy can come home.

I am hoping and praying she gets out of this nightmare as the Grammy we know and love.

*****

Leap Day plans have been in place since early October, and we're holding our breath to see what happens before setting out next week. I'm so thankful that we still haven't told our girlfriends about Disney, just in case it doesn't work.