On the verge of 2014

I used to love this blog of mine as a way of jotting down those "little" moments with my girls and my Dan that I was so scared I would forget years down the road. There are many times where I pull up their old individual blogs on the computer, or this one, and read a post to them. It's crazy to re-live those moments that had slipped from my mind-- never forgotten, but had to be reminded of to have those memories brought again to the forefront of my mind. Every time this past year though when the thought has crossed my mind to jot something down on here, I cringe. I'm still trying to figure out why this has happened from something I used to love. A lot has happened this past year that has been worthy of a post. Well, every day is worthy of a post as everyone with kiddos knows.. there's always something fun that happens every day! I guess I have just realized since Donna's (Grammy) passing that it's not that important to have everything written down on a piece of paper, or typed in a blog. As much as I love reliving memories through reading things that I have written in this online journal or previous journals in my life, it is even more special to relive a memory by remembering the feeling of those unforgettable moments-- the smells, the sounds, the voices, etc. I know for sure that that has been the single most important lesson I have learned since February 2012-- to feel the joy in the everyday moments... not concentrate so much on jotting it down for future's sake, but to just live them and enjoy them in the moment. If it is captured for future use, then it is captured. But, if it is not, so be it. It was captured in my mind, my heart, and my soul forever. And, I know that when I speak of these memories, my girls and Dan will smile and say "oh... yeah... I remember that!" My little family is my life. These girls are my everything; and without Dan, I would be without my best friend. Every day is an adventure, and I live for these adventures. I feel incredibly lucky to be able to continue creating these memories.

My girls

I do wish I would keep up with my online diary more often. Truth be told though- I am enjoying living the little things in my life every day, and worrying less now about jotting everything down for safekeeping. Girlies are my everything. I enjoy my girls so much. They are truly wonderful people that amaze me everyday. It makes me smile to watch them grow, and turn into these beautiful girls. My heart does feel heavy a lot knowing that they are growing so quickly all of a sudden (or, at least it seems this way), but I am enjoying every second. Maddie never ceases to amaze me with how much she loves to read. She literally is Belle- her nose stuck in a book almost all the time. She walks to school like this everyday.. and I have found her countless nights reading in the dark because she just can't put down her book. Her current favorites are Harry Potter. She is midway through the 3rd and it has only been a little over a week since delving into the 1st book. She is hooked. I had never read the series (now I am loving reading the first one myself!) and now I can see how the whole wizarding realm is so enticing for her imagination. Maddie gets wrapped up entirely in whatever book she is reading. This summer she had started the 5th installment in The Little House books (On the Shores of Silver Lake) and was on the first page when she was shocked to find out that her beloved Mary had gone blind. (I had completely forgotten about this, so I had not prepared her!). Another chapter or so into the book, and she started crying "Jack (the bulldog who sheand Faith really liked) died... and Mary is blind... what's going on???" She cried and cried and never finished the book because of how much that upset her. Besides reading, Maddie's other passion continues to be running. She told us this summer she dreams of getting a gold medal in the Olympics for track. My little Faith-y is just as sweet as ever. She had a rough go at kindergarten (after an initial couple days of loving it) but is now back to where she just loves going. I go in for kid's writing every week, and she and I both love it so much. It's very strange still for me to think of her as "school" age, let alone actually SEE her there in school. Her reading and writing took off this summer, and she is fast becoming her big sister. Her kindergarten teacher is impressed with all that she knows; Dan and I are very proud. Faith is still the same ocean crazed, Jessie adoring, Snow White loving little girl that she's always been. It makes me laugh at how often SHE teaches Maddie how to do things at the playground : she raises Maddie's confidence at trying new things simply by showing her how she little she fears those same things. She is definitely our daredevil. She and Abrie are two peas in a pod. The bond between the three of them is so intense, and it's neat to see the different aspects that they each have together. Faith and Maddie have always been inseparable, and now Faith and Abrie are really turning into that as well. Abrie lets Faith do things that Maddie won't, which Faith loves about Abrie. They play "school" all the time, but their other favorite is always that Abrie is the patient/baby/or some other helpless thing. Faith likes to "check" her ears for ticks, bugs, etc, and surprisingly Abrie loves it (Abrie doesn't have a tolerance for people poking her usually!). And, my Abrie... she is absolutely hilarious these days. Dan and I were watching home videos a couple weeks ago, and came to the conclusion that 3 years old is really when they must grow into their humor. We were watching Maddie at age 3 telling knock knock jokes with her harmonica-- that is one of Abrie's favorite pasttimes recently. She LOVES learning knock knock jokes, and coming up with new ones. In fact, once she finds out of anything that makes us laugh, she will learn it to a 'T' so that she can re-enact it. I was telling Dan one morning about how I had watched an episode of "Friends" and was re-enacting to him something that Chandler had said that made me laugh. Well, wouldn't you know.. that is one of Abrie's favorite things to re-enact. It is hilarious. She really makes us laugh all the time. 3 years old has always been the age when I have started to work with each of my girls too with learning activities, etc. 3 seems to be the age with my girls that they all of a sudden have such a curiosity about everything, and truly want to learn everything. I think Abrie is at the same point that her sisters were at 3 years, 5 months of age-- if not, past. She just LOVES doing her "activities" with me. She takes such pride in what she calls "my learning station" where she likes to keep everything in her organized fashion. I love seeing how much she enjoys it.

Summertime

Girlfriends have just loved opening the door into the Laura Ingalls era. Maddie just finished "On the Banks of Plum Creek today," and slept with the next book ("By the Shores of Silver Lake") beside her so that she could start it first thing tomorrow morning;) Needless to say, this has set off a phase of the three of them pretending to be prairie girls like Mary, Laura, and Carrie. It obviously works out perfectly that we here have 3 girls to play these roles. Maddie reads through these books in 2-3 days, and actually finished "The Little House on the Prairie" in a day. She loves them so much, and once something grabs her interest, she won't put it down. She went through almost every single book written by Roald Dahl these past couple of months, and read through some of his thicker books in a day's time. We were reading so many of his books last month, that I even set out to read his biography called "Boy" which was very interesting. Faith, Maddie, and I have what we call "book club" too and have been reading the 1st installment of the Laura Ingalls books "Little House in the Big Woods" together. I found picture books that go along with many of the chapters in this book and in "Farmer Boy," so Abrie enjoys reading these as well. Faith is very into the American Girl, Josefina, right now too. Aside from the fun of reading together, we've also had fun learning states this summer. The three of them are very interested in this, and have had fun putting stickers on the map once they learn a new state.

May these memories break our fall

Been gone for awhile on this little online diary of mine. Hiatus was much needed, even though I have missed jotting down all the little things in life. I guess it's just that it didn't seem as important to me anymore to jot every little thing down, but more to just enjoy these little things that are the big things in life. I've watched my best friend lose his mom, our Grammy, and I've watched him deal with it with such stoicism and grace that I could have never mustered in the face of all of this. I know I haven't dealt with it very well, and yet Dan goes forth with one foot in front. He tells me all the time he tries not to ask why because that question will be the end of him. March 23rd would have been the day that she would have started rehab. We had planned on going to visit, and Dan had so many things that he was waiting to tell her; he was going to get that chance that most people don't get, the chance to tell her everything he had wanted to tell her since February. But, we didn't get a March 23rd and he never did get to say those things. Instead, he held her hand and told his mom that he was there with her in her final days with us. That was the chance he was given in the end. He was there for her, as were my girls and myself. I know that he took that as his job at the end-- to make sure that she left knowing how loved she was, knowing that she wasn't alone. ****** He got the chance to do something else for her last week. We all did. Dan had found a link in April on Grammy's Facebook page about the house that she had always wanted us to visit together in Maine. He e-mailed the link to see if this house would possibly be available for the summer, and unbeknownst to him the owner of this house in Brunswick, ME (southern Maine) was also the owner of a house in Hancock, ME where she had stayed 3 years ago. Once I saw pictures of the house I remembered that this was the house that she had wanted us to visit, but Abrielle was a newborn at the time so it just hadn't been possible. This was the house though that had left such a lasting impression on my mother-in-law, that she was always talking about it to us. Dan didn't realize that the owner of this house (a sweet lady named Staci) and Grammy had become very close, and text messaged all the time and kept in touch through Facebook. And, apparently when Dan had sent the e-mail, Staci was overcome with shock that this had happened. What turned out as an innocent inquiry e-mail for a trip to Maine to honor his mom turned into a generous offer that seems unheard of these days: Staci offered us her house in Hancock, ME- the very house that Grammy was always nostalgic about- at no cost. Yes, the house would be almost bare because they were making it ready for full-time renters come July, but we couldn't have cared less. I was floored with this woman's generosity. Maine was always Grammy's refuge. She grew up going there and loving the beautiful simplicity of it there, and it definitely passed on to Dan. He grew up going there every summer with his brothers, and out of the 5 of them, he definitely seems to have that same admiration for all things Maine that she must have instilled in him. This was where he wanted to go to honor her, to feel her with him, and to make her smile. ***** We had such a wonderful time. Maddie and Faith remember their visit there 2 years ago with Grammy very fondly. Abrielle was only 1-year-old last time, and it was so neat to see her enjoy it so much this time. I know for sure that she won't soon forget these memories. We stayed in Ogunquit (southern Maine) for one night. Granted our 1st day there was non-stop rain, but the rain did stop for a brief time in the evening. We took advantage and got the girls down to the ocean. There's just something about seeing the ocean.. not only for me, but to see the look in my girls' faces when they see it themselves and feel the waves on their feet. We spent the next morning there too before heading up to the house which was almost 4 hours north. It was such an overwhelming feeling to see this house standing there when we turned into the gravel driveway. It was a beautiful house sitting on 25 acres of land. The girls ran from room to room exploring and shouting with excitement, while Dan and I read the note that Staci had left for us on her daughter's drawing pad. That drawing pad was well used those next couple of days. The next couple of days were a whirlwind of fun and visiting Grammy's favorite spots in Acadia National Park and Bar Harbor. Cadillac Mountain.. one of our favorite spots and where we were married almost 11 years ago. Her one favorite spot in the entire world is also ours, and has always been our girls' as well... Sand Beach in Acadia. The turquoise water set next to the craggy rocks is just something else. And, the sand is something completely different too-- it is technically not sand, but shells and marine animals that have been crushed from the waves. The water there has always been a chilly 50 degrees too, but it's never stopped us and definitely doesn't stop my ocean girl named Faith! Maddie and Abrie are content to sit and play in the sand for hours, while Faith "races" the waves up and down the shore. Dan was insistent on bringing back some sand from Sand Beach to put at her gravesite, along with some shells. So, we gathered up a bucket of sand before we left. We tried a couple of things that were new even to Dan this time. Faith desperately wanted to do a whale watch cruise for humpbacks, minkes, and finback whales, but Maddie was equally as desperate NOT to do it. She was scared to get on a boat for 3 1/2 hours! So, we decided to take them to the Bar Harbor Oceanarium which Dan had never visited in all of his trips up to Maine. The Oceanarium was a rinky dink little place, and yet Dan and I both said that we learned more from here than from any of our previous trips to other aquariums. They specialize in Maine's aquatic life, so I guess that helped since we really didn't know much about these animals. Faith, Abrie, and Maddie got to visit the touch tank there where they got to touch a sea cucumber, a horseshoe crab, starfish, sea urchins, giant snails, and some other things that I honestly don't even remember their names. The touch tank was our 1st "station," and our 2nd "station" was to meet with a lobster fisherman where we learned all about fishing for lobsters. The lady fisherman was very nice and Maddie and Faith volunteered to go up to put the rubber bands on the lobsters which was really cool. Our 3rd "station" was a lobster hatchery where we got to see all the baby lobsters. We spent our evenings at the house just enjoying the peace and quiet there. One of Dan's family's traditions in Maine has always been to play whiffleball every night. We forgot our whiffleball bat here at home, but I made up a game out of the whiffleballs and frisbees that became quite the hit while we were there. I called it: "Meatballs." Ha! We went down to the water too looking for mussels which is another of Dan's favorite pastimes that he is quickly instilling in his little girlfriends. Abrie became a pro at looking under the seaweed for baby crabs, which Maddie did catch one! And, Faith found a caterpillar which she named "Fuzzy" and took home only to find the next day that it had formed a chrysalis.. it was quite cool to see a science project evolve right in front of our eyes! Dan and I were up every morning before 5am, which we loved. The sun was already rising there by 4:30am but it allowed us the peace of the morning to sit out on the deck and watch the deer that would come to the backyard. Father's Day was extra special this year too since it was spent in one of Dan's favorite places. We spent the morning at Sand Beach, then went mini-golfing at a place in Bar Harbor we hadn't been to since the year we got engaged in Maine. And, we took him to a great waterfront restaurant that night in Bar Harbor for a lobster dinner. Our little whirlwind vacation was a vacation that we will always remember. I'm not sure how we'll ever be able to thank Staci properly for the opportunity to do this for Grammy, but hopefully one day we can meet her in person to tell her what it truly meant to us. When we packed up the car Monday morning to come back home it felt like we were closing the door to some of the hurt, and though it will never, ever go away, it felt like we were able to heal somewhat. I know I saw it in Dan's eyes the whole time we were there.. I know he felt as though he was with his mom. We brought this back to Grammy, and we brought back memories to make our hearts happy: The sign into and out of Maine says it all: "Worth a trip. Worth a lifetime."

This is one of the many notes that I've found recently on the girls' bedroom floor. Maddie writes notes and puts them on her floor and says "Grammy will be able to read them."

Both she and Faith have been writing things down in their own journals. I am surprised with the things that even Faith writes on her own about missing Grammy. Abrielle blew us away the day of the funeral when we heard her downstairs start crying. I thought she was just frustrated that she couldn't carry her bin of Minnies upstairs, but I found her standing there sobbing. I asked her what was wrong when I hugged her, and she answered "I don't want to die." She doesn't understand the enormity of everything that's been going on, but she definitely understands something. Poor baby.

This is Abrielle on our last day there visiting with Grammy. It was Tuesday, April 3rd and for some reason I had felt compelled to take my camera to take pictures of the pictures the girls had put up in her room.

What I would give to go back in time to before February. Or, even to hospice days. Just to be able to know that she's still here with us and not gone.

April 5th

Dan's mom and my girls' beloved Grammy has gone to be with her dad and baby Mattie May in Heaven. She passed away peacefully this morning, and we are hoping PaPa was there waiting to welcome her.